THE DRUNK VEGAN // Mojito Mary’s 2am Kitchen Crawl…

As you may have already guessed…

My mojitos tend to be more rum than soda water.

I have equipped my pantry shelf with fancy straws, cocktail umbrellas and sparklers – ready beneath my Hemsworth shrine – incase an emergency cocktail evening arises.

Planning permission to extend my pantry shelf was declined – due to Kyle’s fear of being upstaged by my Thor calendar.

Alcohol isn’t for everybody, I know…
But, the question I often get asked after ditching animal products is…

‘What do you eat after a tipple or two?’


Now, if my drink doesn’t contain some sort of fire work display on arrival – I’m not interested. Just like, if I am not greeted by some kind of deep-fried delight after a tipple – I’d rather be tipple-less.

I mean, I’m sure we’ve all been there…

Climbing through the key hole after one too many.
You trooped on until the very end – but as Mr.Brightside begins to escort you out of the bar, it suddenly dawns on you…

It’s too late.

The normal deep-fried refuge spot is closed.
Your stomach begins to make weird cat cries, as the distant smell of hot chips begins to fade.

But, this isn’t the end. Oh no. You will be fed. And it will be magnificent…

Survival mode kicks in as you race to the taxi rank.

The line is already down the street.

Your hunger pains have now reached a strong 7.5, as you see people frolic past with all things fried and delicious.

‘Plan B’ all of a sudden seems rather appealing as your brave – beer brain – decides to instead begin the mighty walk home. A round of applause comes from the queue behind you as you exit the taxi line and start out on your quest.

A mix of adrenalin and tequila seems to be making your usual dreaded hill climb seem like a breeze as you race up the last hurdle in record time.

You then waltz on through the house, as elegantly as a gazelle.

To then slowly creek open the gates to the promise land…

The Kitchen.



By day it appears to be just your average room. But as night falls, and the tequila glazed contacts come into full force – it transforms into a room full of endless possibilities.

As you dabble between texting every person in your contact list and rummaging through the freezer – it becomes clear that 2am is the perfect time to muster up a banquette (that could probably feed 12).



The pots are bubbling, something is starting smell rather burnt in the toaster, the oven is flashing up with a red light that you have never seen before. But as you glance at the chaos, your mojito mind applauds you…

For these teeny tiny hands have created a masterpiece. Your 1 hour cooking lessons at school, that taught you the art of making a sandwich were not wasted. oh no. This is no B- cheese toasty. This is a culinary masterpiece. You could be a chef. Maybe you’ll open your own kebab shop?

‘Mary’s deep-fried everything’


You pause for a moment for a heart to heart with your dog who seems to not only listen to your 2 am problems but somehow also answer them.


As a slight smell of burn starts to make its way from the kitchen, your dog therapy session draws to a quick close.

But, as you return – it all seems to be under control.

You have all of the elements on the go.

It smells… edible.

Not just your average chef here. Oh no…

You’re an inventor.

This chick’n, chip loaded creation is like nothing you have ever seen before.
You’re flipping nuggets, melting cheese, you don’t really know what you’re making, but you know what? It feels right… A sauce topping comes to mind as a possibility. But, it’s a risk. You haven’t timed anything because well, you’re a chef now. And chef’s don’t need timers.

The carb-combo all appears to be cooked. But to check, you go in for a bare skin finger prod. The scolded hand is all the approval you need.

You complete your last dash around the kitchen surface, sliding between trays, running to pause the microwave before waking anyone up (which is more like an intense sprint when your legs are smaller than cocktail sticks)


You then climb to the top of your mighty garlic bread sandwich tower and pause for a moment…

You stare up at your creation in complete amazement / shock. (Mainly from the fact that you actually managed to turn the oven on in the first place).




The next minute…

You find yourself lying on the sofa – watching a YouTube video medley of cats sneezing, with a tomato sauce smudged plate in your lap. Your phone is loaded with an extra 169 dog selfies and your instagram now has an extra inspirational quote uploaded (inspired by your earlier dog therapy session).

Your belly is full

The kitchen looks like someone has literally robbed you

But, your spirits are high.

As tonight, you made dreams come true…

The birds salute you as you make your way to bed.

With your clothes still on, crumbs in your hair and the sun rising – you close your eyes for a good 5 hour sleep after a job well done.



Now, not all the smalls are drinkers – just as not all dogs are relationship councillors. This post is just here to help those of you cocktail sippers out there who want to indulge in a little dancing juice – but don’t want any animal products in the drinks or the snacks afterwards.

So, here are some tiny (vegan) alcohol tips to help you on your way…

– Download the ‘Barnivore’ App on your phone. This App allows you to  simply type in your alcohol of choice and it says whether it is ‘vegan friendly’ or not.

– Store vegan sausages, nuggets, chips, dips in just incase you fancy a late night feast

– The Instagram account ‘Accidentally Vegan’ shows foods that you may not think are vegan and where to buy them from – which can be perfect for a post-beer snack.

– Have a cocktail evening – Make up some fun, fruity cocktails (that can be alcoholic or non – alcoholic) and share with your friends/family.

– Bottle shops now often have sections for vegan wine. You can also find out from the back of the bottle whether they are vegan or not.

– At first it may feel like you don’t know where to start when all you want to do is enjoy a night out with your friends (without worrying about what ingredients are in drinks). But just like all things vegan, in a small amount of time it will all begin to seem a lot less scary.

* Some alcohol isn’t vegan because of the fining process when creating it and also some alcohol contains animal ingredients.

For example – The following may be used:

  • Albumin:  derived from eggs or dried blood
  • Casein: derived from cows milk
  • Charcoal: often derived from animal bone
  • Lactose and lactobacillus or lactic acid: derived from cows milk
  • Gelatine: made from bones, skin, and tendons
  • Pepsin: a heading agent sometimes derived from pigs


*Remember – it’s all about just doing your best*

(and trying not to set the pantry alight)

Tiny changes – make a huge difference.

For my one of a kind drunken masterpiece combo – look no further…
Presenting: ‘Mary’s 2am feast’ 
‘Fry Family’ chik’n nuggets
Chips with Vegusto’s ‘No Moo’ vegan cheddar
Garlic bread
(Plus – nachos with a salsa dip for snacks whilst everything is cooking)



(If you don’t want to drink alcohol – try not to feel pressured into drinking. It is your body – and only you know what it wants. So try to listen to it. This is just here to help anyone who still wants to drink alcohol and doesn’t want to take part in cruelty to another.

Be safe sun beams
Mary x

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